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With Lackey Gone, Rizzo Will Eat More Kids

By Danny Rockett

With John Lackey unlikely to be re-signed by the Cubs this year, Anthony Rizzo will find himself filling in a new role for the 2018 season. Eating Children. John Lackey ate 4.2 children per start last year, the highest mark of his career according to this screen shot and Anthony now moves up as the highest consumer of kids on the Cubs.

Anthony Rizzo was not quoted as saying, "Someone's gotta pick up the slack for Lack this next year. The Brewers got off to a great start, eating orphans, crack babies, and children with incurable diseases. I'm training on eating babies right now, and hope to be eating underweight sickly kids that I find in the hospitals I visit by April, and be in shape to be eating obese youngsters and rich kids with high protein organic diets by the All Star Break. 

To me, this baby Anthony is eating in the photo below looks kind of small, more like a snack. But we are still almost 2 months until Opening Day. I'm sure Rizzo will be consuming at least 2 children per start by the Miami opener. Especially because it's Anthony's hometown, so he is used to the local hot and spicy Cuban kids.

Get ready for Opening Day and buy a Rizzo Baby Eating Jersey!


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