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Cubs on the Chopping Block

By Danny Rockett

Kind of a misleading headline for a simple Cubs and Braves preview but whatever. Click bait.

The Braves are the best and most racist team in the National League right now. They hit better than the Cubs with the best batting average in the majors and they find themselves 10 games over .500 atop the NL East. The Cubs are familiar with the Injun's hitting prowess at this point in the season. They've lost 2 of 3 games to the Native Americans. Cubs got shut out 4-0 and lost in dramatic fashion yesterday when Q's "Uality Start" of 6 runs over 4.2 IP, which included 3 Red Man dongs capped off KB's Klurching with the bases loaded in the 9th, and the Cubs were scalped 6-5. The only game the Cubs won against the Squaw's was that crazy cold rainy game when the Cubs scored 9 in the 8th when the Red Skinned pitchers couldn't hold the ball because someone stole all their buffalo skins.

The Savages pitching is pretty good too. Their team ERA is in the mid 3's, as is the Cubs, thanks to our #bullpenis which is nearly a run better than the Braves #bullpenis. The only thing the Pocahantas pitchers suck at is giving up walks. They've given up the 2nd most in MLB. Cubs aren't much better as they've walked the 5th most batters in organized baseball.

Here are the match-ups. (click the link, buy shit, we get paid)

Yu Darvish Chicago Cubs Gear



Yu Darvish 0-3, 6.00 Vs. Mike Foltynewics 3-2, 3.21

6:35 Central


Chop On Trucker Hat with a Tomahawk on it


Yu comes off the 10 day fake DL after giving up 6 runs to the Rockies through 4.1 innings., 3 walks, 8 ks, and 3 homers..

4 runs on 9 hits against ATL, walked 4 in April. Cubs shut out 4-0. Yu only went 4.2 IP

Bautista is only 2-23, 9 Ks.

Bautista and Preston Tucker (LF) have homered off of him


Folty gave up 1 run on 3 hits over 5IP in Miami last time.

Cubs last year, 2 runs on 5 hits, lasted 6.1IP while Cubs shut out Braves 2-0 in a John Lackey start.

Rizzo and Russell have homered.

Bryant 0-6



Tyler Chatwood 3-3, 3.35 Vs. Brandon McCarthy 4-2, 5.58

6:35 Central



Last time, Penis Whisperer walked 6, Kd 6 in an 11-2 Win over the Sox. Only 2 runs on 3 hits, lasted 5 IP.

Faced ATL twice in relief last year, went 2 innings each time, only gave up a hit and a walk.

Freddie Freeman is 7-13, seen him most.

No one has homered. But Braves have a .965 OPS in 46 PA’s


BM gave up 11 hits and 6 runs, lasted 5IP in a loss to Miami last time.

Faced the Cubs twice last year and shut them out over 6IP each time when with the Dodgers.

Benzo and Heyward have homered off him

Bryant and Schwarber 0-6.



Jon Lester 3-1, 2.66 vs Ma ma ma Mike Soroka (sung to the tune of My Sharona)1-1, 3.68 (only 20 years old)

6:35 Central



Lester gave up 1 run on 4 hits, lasted 5.2 against the White Sox on my birthday 5/12 in a rain delayed start.

Faced ATL twice last year for a total of 12 innings. One game he gave up 3 homers, but Cubs won both.

Bautista has 5 homers off him in 61 ABs but only batting .230

Freeman has 2 dongs. (which must be cumbersome)

Inciarte only 1-11.


Ma-ma-ma Mike Soroka went 4.2, 8 hits, 5 runs against Miami but Braves won 10-5 last time out.

Cubs never seen Ma-ma-ma Mike Soroka

Ma-ma-ma Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Woo!!

Ma ma ma Mike Soroka!


(We’re fucked.)


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