by Boutros Boutros Ghali

The game was delayed over two hours in Cincinnati last night and while that was going on, almost everyone left. The very few people who remained were not allowed to move closer to the field despite it seeming as if the entire stadium was completely empty in certain television shots. 

When the game was finally started, the Communists found that their government issued team was no match for the red, white, and blue Cubs. In the first inning, the Cubs took advantage of rookie Josh Smith whose generic name was issued to him when Mother Russia brought him up from AAA.

The Cubs scored 4 runs in the first inning and then Dan Haren made those four runs stand up for 7.1 innings. The Reds only run of the night came in the ninth inning off of Carl Edwards Jr. who got an inning of work in relief that included an at-bat in which he was forced to face Aroldis Chapman in one of the most lopsided contests in the history of baseball. Edwards stood as far away from the plate as physically allowed by the batters box and the rules of baseball. Needless to say he struck out. 

Now that we have that out of the way, we here at Son Ranto have an exclusive bit of news for all of our readers. We have recently found a copy of a manuscript for an upcoming Extra Sensitive Pansy Network documentary about the season of one Anthony (Plunk) Rizzo and we are going to share it with you right now. 

The following exclusive is the heart wrenching tale of the career up to now of Anthony Rizzo and the terrible struggles he has had getting the respect of Major League Baseball. Without further ado, I give you 30 and 30 on the 30th of September. 

Intro:

Music Cue: Isolation

(EDIT NOTE: remove gagging and retching noises from crew that bled into the shot)

Pan in on Wrigley Field as narrator voice over begins. 

"On this hallowed ground, a handsome, young first baseman plies his trade at the highest level. He fields, he hits, he takes walks, and sometimes he steals bases with magical slides. It seems like the perfect life, but there is a dark secret that Tony Rizzo does not like to discuss. 

It is a secret that everyone sees, but nobody talks about. It is a secret that is so blatantly obvious, only we here at the Extra Sensitive Pansy Network would even think of covering it as an expose' set to sad music to make you believe there is actually something bad happening.

(EDIT NOTE: Maybe not so blatant on our documentary style. Change "sad music" to "music" and I think it will sufficiently slip past our viewers attention.)

Tony Rizzo entered the National League of Baseball in June of 2011 for the San Diego Padres. (EDIT NOTE: Cue super sad music) For Tony, it was already a lifetime achievement for a life and career he almost did not have. 

As a young ball player with the Boston minor league organization, Tony was diagnosed with cancer. He was 18 years old and odds were well over 100% that he would never make it to his next birthday. 

(EDIT NOTE: Double check the ass-stat regarding his death percentage before airing.)

(EDIT  NOTE: 100% is slightly above the real statistic, but we will cite creative license to add to the drama of the story on this so we do not have to re-record the voice over.)

Theodore Epstein was the general manager of the Boston team and stood with the young man in his time of need.

Music Cue: Imperial March

Unfortunately, the Boston team was still trying to out-evil the team in New York and kicked the cancer kid to the curb without hesitation. 

(EDIT NOTE: Boston traded Rizzo after he was healthy. The timeline needs to be a little clearer on this point.)

(EDIT NOTE: Dramatic and creative license applies here as well.)

Music Cue: Ride of the Valkyries

Luckily, Theo was on Tony's side and he talked another saint of the baseball world, longtime friend Jed Hoyer, into giving the kid a chance. The San Diego weather cured Tony of his cancer completely. 

That is when his dream truly came true. Tony got to play baseball. Sadly, he did not hit well and the baseball world ignored him unless they needed a story about cancer. 

But all was not lost. On the other side of the country, things were happening that would change Tony's life. 

Once Theo had saved Tony's life with the trade to San Diego, he decided he could no longer work for such an evil organization. He fought for his freedom from oppression much like the Revolutionaries of the birth of this great nation. It was no surprise that Theo would end up with a team whose colors were red, white, and blue. 

In Chicago, Theo found friendly confines instead of the foul fens. And Theo had not forgotten his good friend, Tony Rizzo. Once with the Cubs, he immediately called his friend Jed to ask if Tony could come play in Chicago. 

Jed agreed as long as he was allowed to join the two of them in Chicago. The three amigos were together for the first time and there would be nothing to stop them. 

But while Theo and Jed sat in the air conditioning, poor Tony was on the field. It was on the field that bad things would happen to the handsome youngster. 

As young Tony made his debut for the Cubs in 2012. At first, there did not seem to be anything amiss on the field. The three times Tony got hit did not seem to be anything more than wild pitches. 

The very next year though, it was clear that he had been marked by the pitchers of Major League Baseball. Tony got hit twice as many times as he had in 2013 as he had in 2012. (Music Cue: Dun Dun Duuun)

Being hit hurt the his average that year, but it made Tony Rizzo stronger in his convictions. Allegedly, he said something like, "I'll show you, MLB! I'll stand right on top of the plate from now on and you will never make me back down!" 

(EDIT NOTE: You can't use quotes on for things that were not actually said.)

(EDIT NOTE: Bite me. I said allegedly.)

Yes, the handsome youngster made the type of rebellious decision handsome youngsters make when they think they are invincible. In 2014, the pitchers kept hitting the poor first baseman.

The number of times he got hit almost tripled. It was apparent that MLB pitchers hated cancer survivors, God, the U.S.A., and Santa Claus so they were going to take out all their hatred on this lonely Florida boy just trying to make a living in the salt mines of Wrigley Field. 

(EDIT NOTE: There are no salt mines in Wrigley Field.)

(EDIT NOTE: You don't know that. Have you looked for salt mines?)

As poor Tony continued to be hit by pitches, a very well respected Cubs podcast and website began to call the poor kid, Plunk. It caught on and teammates were calling him Plunk as well.

(EDIT NOTE: Which website are you referring too? I only found this on SonRanto.com and I'm pretty sure they are not a viable news source.)

(EDIT NOTE: If it's on the internet, it must be true. I'm running with it.)

Even small children began referring to number 44 as Plunk. Sad, young Plunk Rizzo cried himself to sleep each night into nightmares of balls flying right at his face. 

(EDIT NOTE: Please tell me you do not have footage of balls flying at Rizzo's face.)

(EDIT NOTE: No. I figured I could find it on the internet, but apparently

In 2015, it only got worse as Plunk continued to be hit by pitchers at an alarming rate. The young man was strong and fearless though and although he got hit by 30 balls, he got his revenge by hitting 30 of his own balls over the fence. He joined an exclusive club that fateful night of September 29th, 2015 when he finally reached 30/30 for homers and hit by pitches. 

In 1986, Don Baylor was also subjected to a 30/30 season. When asked to compare Plunk to Don Baylor, Ty Cobbs ghost had this insight: "They hit Baylor 'cuz he was black. Everybody knows that. I don't know why they keep hitting that white kid. Is he Jewish?" 

And now we know. Plunk Rizzo is being targeted because he is Jewish. Or black. Or something, but it is sad to see this young man persecuted by the evil corporate monopoly of Major League Baseball. We are the 99%!

(EDIT NOTE: WHAT? That's clearly racist! And Anthony Rizzo is not Jewish or black. And you can't quote dead people! What do you think you're doing? Is there any truth here?)

(EDIT NOTE: I have no idea what you are talking about. This has nothing to do with truth. I'm just manipulating people's emotions through music and soft voice overs backed by pictures of baseball players. Isn't that what you wanted?)

(EDIT NOTE: This is done. You're fired.)

And there you have it faithful readers, the never to be aired 30 for 30 documentary about the year Anthony Rizzo hit over 30 homers and got hit at least 30 times. 

Go Cubs!